Dark energy / Rooney - 1 comment

An interesting story that has escaped the mainstream media, but was reported in the current - uncharacteristically excellent - issue of Viz:

A WORMHOLE in the space-time continuum opened up outside Dolcis shoe shop on Peebles High Street last Saturday. Shoppers looked on in disbelief as several trainers, half a dozen Dr. Scholls and 3 brogues, all left feet, were sucked into a parallel universe. Manager Hamish McTavish said: "The annoying thing is, the missing shoes are still there, but I can't get at them as they exist as so-called 'dark energy' occupying a parallel dimension. So the right ones I've still got in the shop are no good to me."

Viz also report on a vigil in support of Wayne Rooney, as doctors reveal he is on borrowed time, and that every day that passes brings the superstar striker closer to a tragic and inevitable death:

[...] amongst thousands of possibilities, the star could be finished off by bowel cancer, lung disease, or drowning in his own swimming pool. "It's a matter of when, not if," says Dr. Barry Evans of the Royal Hospital, Whitechapel.